I WAS BORN YESTERDAY, BUT I'VE AGED BADLY...
Hello everybody, I hope you are OK. I certainly know I'm not because my therapists and my
three ex-wives regularly tell me so. This page is dedicated to who I am, the telly programmes I
was in and how I ended up in my job having reached nearly the big four oh and wondering how
I am still in this state. Due to the recent worldwide slumping of £ sterling, this section of the
website is now 37% funnier than it was last year across the European Union, but is 9% more
serious in Israel and the Isle Of Man.
Do you have the dream career? Does your job leave you completely fulfilled with a sense of
achievement at the end of your working day, a feeling equivalent to eating a gourmet meal? If
that's the case, it means you're a chef, but I'm something else beginning with C, and that's a
clown. Clowning about for a living is pretty rewarding too, and the only elements I would take
out of job would be travelling, the performance side to it and entertaining the children.
THE 1970's...
My earliest memory is being slapped on the bottom and the doctor saying "It's a boy!", and my
mum rolling her eyes and realising I represented another 17 years of domestic violence for us
all, something I have since tried to put into all of my performances since. Her eyes rolling
made the same sound as sandpaper rubbing down de-shelled boiled eggs, and I'll never forget
that sound of whatever it was I was writing about.
Debtford, South London was a lovely place to live in late 1970 - so nice in fact, that we couldn't
wait to move out to a newly built council estate in Kent two weeks after I was born so we could
experience some serious 1970's boredom. This boredom was shattered by unusual things like
a vague family friend, someone simply known as "Toasted Cheese". He was this simple guy
who drove a green Ford Transit van who had to be told when to stop at traffic lights because
he was colourblind. Although we often nearly died every time we went to Bejam's, this was
more entertaining than the tripe children were being force-fed as entertainment on the box.
With only three TV channels pumping out the same rubbish 15 hours a day, the best
children's entertainment was easily Weekend World with Brian Walden, and Nationwide with
Michael Wavyhair, Richard Stilgoe on piano and Bob Wellings interviewing a man who made
life-size things out of matchsticks.
I hated The Muppets, because I was shoved in front of it and disappointed adult family
members would look at me as if I was a weirdo when they laughed and I didn't. Newsround
sucked big-time, because John Craven always started it with a big number in order to get the
attention of "Da kidz". Blue Peter was as disconnected from reality then as it is now, so this
entertainment abuse damaged my psyche in subtle ways.
But the worst was Screen Test, the fantastically sterile movie based quiz game hosted by
Michael Rod, whose career now just consists of saying "Otex" at the end of earwax adverts.
This programme of watching movies, these snippets of interesting looking Disney or Canadian
Film Board stories hurt even more when we lived 8.9 light years away from the nearest
cinema. It was then I vowed to right this sense of injustice and boredom when I was older; I
would become either an architect of low-cost cinemas, a vigilante or an accountant. None of
this came to pass though because we moved to "Creepy" Crawley, Sussex. The reason for
this move to Creepy (I found out later via Doris Stokes) was because I was Adolf Hitler in a
previous life.
THE 80's...
Sucked big time. You know it, I know it. Back To The Future was good though, and that
green coloured drink Quattro.
MY CLOWNAGE QUALIFICATIONS...
Well, being childish, loud, idiotic and unfunny come naturally to most men, but I have had
to really hone these innate skills. Obviously, you can't just turn up and entertain a room full of
children for ages without having been through a series of testing exams and practical
situations of idiocy.
I left school with a grade 4 CSE in Home Economics and a bucketful of sponges I stole from
the caretaker's office in 1988. Daddy's connections got me a plumb place at RADA (Royal
Academy of Dramatic Arts) firstly cleaning offices, then after much hard work achieved the
higher position of ceiling bufferer. That led on to a year at the RSC (lift attendant), two years at
ENO's (making cough mixture sachets), and a variety of temp work at meat packing firms.
INFLUENCES...
To me, the ideal party would be an entertainer who is a cross between Peter Sellers and Chris
Morris, under the influence of white rum strawberry and raspberry daquiries.
THAT BBC2 DOCUMENTARY I WAS IN...
Easily my best "performance" came from Daisy Asquith's and Dandy Films superb
documentary, "Clowns", shown on BBC 2 in April 2008. It was about children's entertainers in
todays society, and Daisy picked me from this advert she saw in a family magazine.
If you didn't get to see it the TV show, you can always buy a copy of it here, or watch part
one illegally just here and part two over here. I warn you though, it is for over 18's only and to
clear things up, I am the first guy on.
A few misconceptions of the programme seem to have arisen. The first one is about how we
are portrayed; the truth is, we all had an excellent level of censorship over the material. If we
didn't like it, it got removed.
THE FALLOUT FROM THE PROGRAMME...
It was the pick of the day in every newspaper except The Sun, so it already boded well.
Garry Bushell didn't like the programme.
A social worker at a children's party said I was "not right" for the job.
A special meeting was held at Equity to determine that we weren't taken for a ride.
Clowns and magicians rung my home and sent me e-mails being abusive.
Punch and Judy men gave me aggro.
Scott Mills criticised my Robert Mugabe routine on his Radio 1 breakfast show when he was
covering for Chris Moyles. (Moyles had taken leave of absence to go Fray Bentos hunting in
the Midlands.) I got over 6000 hits on website after that. Thanks Scott, I'll give you a free party
for your children when you want one.
A letter of complaint was published about me in the Radio Times by some clown or other.
The woman who did the signed version had to have two weeks off afterwards after contracting
tennis elbow after having to sign my unusual driving vocabulary.
A very well respected children's entertainer said the "I had put the industry back a hundred
years."
So to me, it was a great programme because it cheesed off all the right people. But you
ought to have seen the stuff that couldn't go in due to the programmes time restraints. Maybe
one day we'll all see it.
However, I hope you don't see the religious reality tv show called Melting Pot on ITV I was in.
Me, as an aetheist with an unlimited supply of booze locked up in a Thameside flat with a
Christian, a Catholic, a Muslim, a Buddhist and a Jew for 10 days? I know it sounds like a bad
joke, but sadly it is was left to the underwhelming production team to really kill the punchline
on that one.
Hello everybody, I hope you are OK. I certainly know I'm not because my therapists and my
three ex-wives regularly tell me so. This page is dedicated to who I am, the telly programmes I
was in and how I ended up in my job having reached nearly the big four oh and wondering how
I am still in this state. Due to the recent worldwide slumping of £ sterling, this section of the
website is now 37% funnier than it was last year across the European Union, but is 9% more
serious in Israel and the Isle Of Man.
Do you have the dream career? Does your job leave you completely fulfilled with a sense of
achievement at the end of your working day, a feeling equivalent to eating a gourmet meal? If
that's the case, it means you're a chef, but I'm something else beginning with C, and that's a
clown. Clowning about for a living is pretty rewarding too, and the only elements I would take
out of job would be travelling, the performance side to it and entertaining the children.
THE 1970's...
My earliest memory is being slapped on the bottom and the doctor saying "It's a boy!", and my
mum rolling her eyes and realising I represented another 17 years of domestic violence for us
all, something I have since tried to put into all of my performances since. Her eyes rolling
made the same sound as sandpaper rubbing down de-shelled boiled eggs, and I'll never forget
that sound of whatever it was I was writing about.
Debtford, South London was a lovely place to live in late 1970 - so nice in fact, that we couldn't
wait to move out to a newly built council estate in Kent two weeks after I was born so we could
experience some serious 1970's boredom. This boredom was shattered by unusual things like
a vague family friend, someone simply known as "Toasted Cheese". He was this simple guy
who drove a green Ford Transit van who had to be told when to stop at traffic lights because
he was colourblind. Although we often nearly died every time we went to Bejam's, this was
more entertaining than the tripe children were being force-fed as entertainment on the box.
With only three TV channels pumping out the same rubbish 15 hours a day, the best
children's entertainment was easily Weekend World with Brian Walden, and Nationwide with
Michael Wavyhair, Richard Stilgoe on piano and Bob Wellings interviewing a man who made
life-size things out of matchsticks.
I hated The Muppets, because I was shoved in front of it and disappointed adult family
members would look at me as if I was a weirdo when they laughed and I didn't. Newsround
sucked big-time, because John Craven always started it with a big number in order to get the
attention of "Da kidz". Blue Peter was as disconnected from reality then as it is now, so this
entertainment abuse damaged my psyche in subtle ways.
But the worst was Screen Test, the fantastically sterile movie based quiz game hosted by
Michael Rod, whose career now just consists of saying "Otex" at the end of earwax adverts.
This programme of watching movies, these snippets of interesting looking Disney or Canadian
Film Board stories hurt even more when we lived 8.9 light years away from the nearest
cinema. It was then I vowed to right this sense of injustice and boredom when I was older; I
would become either an architect of low-cost cinemas, a vigilante or an accountant. None of
this came to pass though because we moved to "Creepy" Crawley, Sussex. The reason for
this move to Creepy (I found out later via Doris Stokes) was because I was Adolf Hitler in a
previous life.
THE 80's...
Sucked big time. You know it, I know it. Back To The Future was good though, and that
green coloured drink Quattro.
MY CLOWNAGE QUALIFICATIONS...
Well, being childish, loud, idiotic and unfunny come naturally to most men, but I have had
to really hone these innate skills. Obviously, you can't just turn up and entertain a room full of
children for ages without having been through a series of testing exams and practical
situations of idiocy.
I left school with a grade 4 CSE in Home Economics and a bucketful of sponges I stole from
the caretaker's office in 1988. Daddy's connections got me a plumb place at RADA (Royal
Academy of Dramatic Arts) firstly cleaning offices, then after much hard work achieved the
higher position of ceiling bufferer. That led on to a year at the RSC (lift attendant), two years at
ENO's (making cough mixture sachets), and a variety of temp work at meat packing firms.
INFLUENCES...
To me, the ideal party would be an entertainer who is a cross between Peter Sellers and Chris
Morris, under the influence of white rum strawberry and raspberry daquiries.
THAT BBC2 DOCUMENTARY I WAS IN...
Easily my best "performance" came from Daisy Asquith's and Dandy Films superb
documentary, "Clowns", shown on BBC 2 in April 2008. It was about children's entertainers in
todays society, and Daisy picked me from this advert she saw in a family magazine.
If you didn't get to see it the TV show, you can always buy a copy of it here, or watch part
one illegally just here and part two over here. I warn you though, it is for over 18's only and to
clear things up, I am the first guy on.
A few misconceptions of the programme seem to have arisen. The first one is about how we
are portrayed; the truth is, we all had an excellent level of censorship over the material. If we
didn't like it, it got removed.
THE FALLOUT FROM THE PROGRAMME...
It was the pick of the day in every newspaper except The Sun, so it already boded well.
Garry Bushell didn't like the programme.
A social worker at a children's party said I was "not right" for the job.
A special meeting was held at Equity to determine that we weren't taken for a ride.
Clowns and magicians rung my home and sent me e-mails being abusive.
Punch and Judy men gave me aggro.
Scott Mills criticised my Robert Mugabe routine on his Radio 1 breakfast show when he was
covering for Chris Moyles. (Moyles had taken leave of absence to go Fray Bentos hunting in
the Midlands.) I got over 6000 hits on website after that. Thanks Scott, I'll give you a free party
for your children when you want one.
A letter of complaint was published about me in the Radio Times by some clown or other.
The woman who did the signed version had to have two weeks off afterwards after contracting
tennis elbow after having to sign my unusual driving vocabulary.
A very well respected children's entertainer said the "I had put the industry back a hundred
years."
So to me, it was a great programme because it cheesed off all the right people. But you
ought to have seen the stuff that couldn't go in due to the programmes time restraints. Maybe
one day we'll all see it.
However, I hope you don't see the religious reality tv show called Melting Pot on ITV I was in.
Me, as an aetheist with an unlimited supply of booze locked up in a Thameside flat with a
Christian, a Catholic, a Muslim, a Buddhist and a Jew for 10 days? I know it sounds like a bad
joke, but sadly it is was left to the underwhelming production team to really kill the punchline
on that one.
A younger me, circa 5 o'clock yesterday. As you
can see from other pics of me on the site, hours
of booze, late nights, fags, betting, stress, pork
chops and European arthouse films haven't
touched me in the slightest.
can see from other pics of me on the site, hours
of booze, late nights, fags, betting, stress, pork
chops and European arthouse films haven't
touched me in the slightest.
My earliest clown gig, which was quite difficult as
it involved sitting still for hours on end with this
girl who I didn't get on with. At the end of every
shift, she would follow through the arm motion
and punch me on the chin. That wasn't as bad as
the sound engineer called Keith who would sit
behind the blackboard for all that time with a
paper and comb irritating us with that noise.
Click the picture to view possibly one of the
absorbingly dull websites I have ever seen.
it involved sitting still for hours on end with this
girl who I didn't get on with. At the end of every
shift, she would follow through the arm motion
and punch me on the chin. That wasn't as bad as
the sound engineer called Keith who would sit
behind the blackboard for all that time with a
paper and comb irritating us with that noise.
Click the picture to view possibly one of the
absorbingly dull websites I have ever seen.
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